JOKE IS ON ME.

Before I forget I would like to write about my lengthy adventure trying to procure some food. This is why I opt to just stay at home and not even try to do things like mix with the general public. So I wrote the last blog post and I was like, "hmmm, I'm super hungry. Probably because it is 2 o'clock and all I have ingested is 2 cups o'coffee!" Plus Reagan was pacing around and begging for me to get her the fuck out of this godforsaken box-of-a-living-quarters we called home. So I put on her leash and we hopped in my car. I thought I was going to be disgusting and buy a frozen pizza or something at fresh & easy that way I could self check-out and not have to deal with anyone's bullshit, but noooo.


That would have been too easy. 


As I pulled out of my complex with my left hand turn blinker on I saw that there were so many cars I would probably have to wait like 30 seconds to get across traffic. Fuck that. So I impulsively "hung a ralph" and started driving aimlessly. It was like my id and ego were having a conversation that I wasn't even allowed to take part in:


Ego-spoken like Dr. O'hara on Nurse Jackie because that bitch sounds smart!
Id- spoken like a caveman because BODY DO WHAT ID WANT!


Id: Jack in Box?


Ego: Proposterous. You made us get an oreo shake from there last month when you took over with your pathetic THC excuse. 


Id: oh. El Pollo Loco? Hear put birds in fire on sticks and spin long time! YUM!
     Id would be referring to rotisserie-style chicken, in case you were wondering.


Ego: Absolutely not. That dimwit who thought we were dating him a few months ago talked about that place with his abominable stutter several times too many and ruined it forever. No. 


Id: Uh-huh, you right. Puh-na-ra!


Ego: That would be a sensible choice since we are having to resort to "fast food" methods however you made her run out of the house wearing those horrific house shoes that ironically find themselves out of the house more than they do in the house.


Id: Ahhh, who gives shit what people tink. No so bad.


Ego: [looks in rear view mirror and raises and eyebrow, kind of like this] 

[Except what he actually sees is more like that]


Id: Monsterrrr!!! Oh. Id see. Ok. 'N Out. down street.


Ego: That is an option. Just please don't make her go in to Panera Bread looking like this and then have to WAIT until the order is complete while concerned strangers and small children stare sympathetically.


Id: 'N Out! 'N Out! 'N Out!


Ego: I am GOING you fucking imbecile!!

-Approximately 56 seconds later-

Id: Oh hell no. Line too long. Look, girl ask food at cars in road. No time! Me wants food!

Ego: Well why don't you compromise for toasted sandwichy goodness by going to that Quizno's right there. I do quite enjoy their sugar-laden, enamel-raping raspberry lemonade.


Id: QUIZNOOO'SSSS




So that's how I ended up at Quizno's... moving right along.


I don't eat out very often. I actually am really in to eating healthy and making an effort to see that my body does not go before my brain does. Let's face it, that would suck. I am even starting back in school this year with my major in nutrition. But today I am just not in the mood to like buy groceries or maintain a train of thought long enough to cook something that would actually be edible. 


When I got to the counter I had no clue what I was doing: 


[Quizno's guy will be referred to as QG]


QG: what would you like?


ME: umm, turkey.


QG: what kind of dressing?


ME: what is there?


QG: there is like mustard or ranch...


ME: eww, nothing. You can just skip that step.


QG: ok, what bread do you want?


ME: (Fuck! There is always like a million kinds and I can never decide! Oh here's a sign. Only 4 options? Lame.) "I'll take the Rosemary Parmesan"


QG: "ok, and what kind of cheese? We have cheddar, mozzarella, or swiss." (He could tell I didn't read the menu and was totally drowning so he threw me a life preserver with the cheeses, but that is as far as his insight took him during this painful conversation)


ME: Mozzarella.


QG: Is that all.


ME: I get vegetables on the other side, right?


QG: Yeah.


ME: K.


[Jeopardy theme music]


QG: What vegetables?


ME: lettuce, onion, pickles, and olives. (I had figured out how to read the signs at this point and was prepared.)


QG: Alright do you want to make a meal.


ME: Sure. 


QG: That will be $6.49.


[I hand over my debit card]


-$6.49 is why I would rather just not eat until I decide that I have to be a grown up and go buy some damn groceries! Also, this is where is gets freaking a w k w a r d.


QG: How is your day?


ME: It's good. You?


QG: Good.....


ME:......(waiting on receipt)


QG: I'm about to drop dead


ME: Huh? (I want my receipt so I can go eat my damn six and a half dollar sandwich)


QG: Ya they made me close last night.


ME: Oh......(why is it taking so long to give me my fucking receipt?)


QG: How is your day?


ME: Gooood....slow, but good. (dude, are you kidding? I am wearing two different shades of gray athletic wear, house shoes, with my hair so greasy that I'm pretty sure my scalp has to begun to reabsorb the oil because it too, has lost all hope..does it look like my day is so great you need to ask twice??)


QG: Aw, that's good.....


ME: ..............(seriously if I don't get my receipt in like- oh praise Jesus!)


QG: Here you go. Can I get you to sign it? (breathy)


ME: [quickly sign and hand it over] Here. Can I have my cup? 


I was so stoked to finally be done talking to the weirdo and get some raspberry lemonade but as I was walking out I took a sip and it tasted like shit, so I went back in to pour it out and get some damn diet Pepsi. 


ULTIMATE LESSON HERE- wait 30 seconds next time, hang a louie, not a ralph and get a frozen pizza.

 And since I do not really have any cool pictures to break up that rant, here is one of Reagan practicing contortionism the whole time: